You didn't love her....

And the worst part is you're still managing to affect her life even though she's been trying her hardest every single day....

I'll pay the off the debt you've left me in, for one reason and one reason only.

I'm done with this.

I want no ties with you and I will do everything on my part to cut them. If only you would be a man and do the same.

Set me free please.....

.... as a bird

I should feel stupid.... But I don't.

To be confused and to not know what you're confused about is.... Well confusing.

This time last year I didn't have a choice in things. I knew where my life was heading and what I was suppose to do. But now.... Well now I can do anything I guess. It's up to me.

How am I suppose to pick what I want to do when the whole world is out there for me to explore!

But you see, despite all this, the main thing is.... I genuinely think I'm ok. I am. Despite the confusion and the stress I really am ok now.

For now anyway....

Can someone point me in the right direction?

Ever felt just completely lost?

I don't actually think I feel lost. I think I'm just confused. I know what I'm doing in my life and where I'm suppose to be heading but I'm just not sure if its what I want anymore. Don't get me wrong I still want to be a teacher, but the way I feel about it just isn't the same. I'm still 'passionate' about working with kids... I don't know. I just feel differently about a lot of things now.... I want some adventure. I'm bored of this place. I want to go.... Everywhere. Anywhere. I want to feel 'free'.
But maybe this is the path for my life... Nqt job, flat in Warrington. Same town, same faces.

God I hope not!

*sigh* I'm sat here and I know what's on my mind and what I want to talk about I just don't know how to put it into words. Probably better that I stop dwelling on it anyway....
I will give you one piece of advice though.... They say things will happen when you least expect them. Maybe they will. Maybe they won't. But if by some chance they do.... Don't trust those things to work out the way you want.

- > +

Surely it is more realistic to be a negative person? That way you are never disappointed....

It not you.... It's me.

Warrington the last few months have been great, they really have but I think it might be time for us to call it a day. Don't get me wrong some of our nights together have been amazing, you sure know how to show a girl a good time. But, in the cold hard light of day.... This just isn't what I want. Your pathetic attempt at decent boys with their cheesy chat up lines, the amount of money you cost me, the hangovers and more importantly the way you make me feel about myself the next morning.... Like some kind of desperate girl. I'm fed up of going out wanting to catch someones attention, because let's face, they aren't the type of boys/men that I want attention off.

Last night I got asked out for a 'roast dinner, glass of wine and a side of sex'.... By a 19 year old (I'm 25 in case you were wondering). I think it's time to hang up my dancing shoes. Not completely, I'm a girl so dancing around your room to the Spice Girls is agiven. But I think I've had enough of the club 'scene'. I have had some amazing nights in the last few months dancing around Babylon to 1D and 5ive with my Wilde one but I'm beginning to feel like I'm just going out in the hope of meeting someone. Probably because I am. But thats just not how I want to meet someone, a drunken kiss in a bar and then wondering if you'll ever hear from him. Surely there has to be better ways than that, because it certainly isn't working out for me at the moment. Maybe I shoud join a dating webiste. Or maybe I should just become a hermit, focus on my uni work and stop centering my life around the fact that I'm single. Thats easier said than done though. I know because I have been saying this for the last 6 months, 'It doesnt matter that you're single, there's nothing wrong with being single, you've got to learn to be happy by yourself'...... It hasn't worked. Don't get me wrong I'm not desperate, I'm not going to just throw myself at anyone that's interested. But I'm not good at being by myself. I don't know how to do it... I dont want to do it. Spend 5 years attached to the hip of someone and this is what will happen to you. I'm fed up of going out and then waking up the next morning feeling disappointed in myself for expecting to meet the right person. I'm beginning to think I need to get over this idea of the right 'person' or the right 'feelings'. I know when something doesn't mean anything.

So yeah the sensible thing to do: Focus on my uni work and placement. Graduate and get an NQT job. Start job and move out into my own place. Simple.
The only thing is, at the moment, I dont see myself staying here after graduation.....

Anyway, enough of the pity party for one... I have an assignment to write.

Money, Money, Money.....

I'm 1000 words into a 2500 word assignment. It is not going well.... In fact its going so bad that I've come on here just so I dont have to carry on with it. I'm extremely good at procrastinating.
I get my student loan on Monday and after a month of being completely broke and having to argue with my dad to get a measly £10 to go out with (I'm a cheap drunk) I cannot wait. Normally the first thing I do when I get my loan is go on a little shopping trip and treat myself. I'll have a little list of things that I've wanted for a while that I just can't wait to buy.... And this time is no different. Want to hear my list....

1. A midi dress - probably completely the wrong length for me but want, want, want.
2. Chunky heeled black ankle boots - they'll go with everything
3. Disco pants - can you blame me?
4. A new handbag - what can I say, I like bags!
5. Proper sewn in hair extensions - I love my hair when my I'm wearing my clip-ins, I just wish it was permanent!
6. Black skirt - like a full prom dress style one but casual for day wear
7. Some pretty tops - just to feel pretty in
8. Some kind of trousers that aren't jeans and can be dressed up and dressed down
9. Disney DVDs - they were on my christmas list and I didnt get them
10. A new coat - Not sure what style, I just fancy a new one. Although, I didn't end up liking the last one that I bought so maybe thats not such a good idea.
11. The Spice Girls albums and the 1D album -  No, I am not ashamed of myself
12. Flat shoes - some of mine are not looking their best any more, defintily time for some new ones!
13. MAC makeup - my makeup bag is in desperate need of an overhaul!

I could go on but I should probably stop there! Want to know what I'm actually going to buy..... Believe me, its no way near as exciting.....

1. A pair of jeans - my 5 year old faithful Topshop ones have now got holes in them, and Ive put on too much weight for my others. Ace. I hate jeans shopping.
2. Plain t-shirts - hello H&M. Boring, basic, essential tshirts.... I guess you can't go wrong with them.
3. Hair dye - If you could see my roots you'd understand
4. Makeup wipes and moisturiser - Yes my life is at that point where I have to take in to account the money fo such things

and maybe, just maybe....

5. The black heeled boots

And isn't that the most depressing shopping list you've ever read.... Ugh.

We kissed and for the first time, in a long time, I really smiled....

2013 what will you bring?

So, it's another new year. And this is going to be one crazy year... Final teaching placement, graduation, job hunting, making the decision between getting a 'real' job or running away, moving out (again).... And maybe just maybe.... Romance.
Last year.... well last year was just one big massive mess if we're being honest. I mean it taught me a lot, and made me realise that I'm a million times stonger and more capable than I ever thought I could be but I'm glad to see the back of it. Anyway, less of the dwelling, 2013 is my year.

I dont know why I've decided to start a blog... No doubt I'll have forgotten all about it in a week or two (I know what I'm like). But, for now, the intention is to give myself somewhere to relfect on it all... All the things that are going to happen this year, all the ups, all the downs, all the crazy adventures.

So New Year Resolutions..... None. I'm setting myself goals instead.

1. To graduate - and not completely stress myself out in the process
2. To get my first teaching job - although this does depend on the whole running away thing.
3. To get my own place - this depends on number 2 I guess.....
4. To be happy with myself - I need to figure out how to be happy by myself and for myself. I'm not sure how to do it. I guess it starts with being grateful for the life that you have.
5. To be healthier - Generic I know but essential

So yeah, not sure how I'll get on with those but everything's worth a try! In general, I guess I just want to be a happier person....